Dealing With Emotions: Understanding Emotional Regulation, Processing, and Intelligence
Emotional regulation, emotional attunement, emotional intelligence, emotional processing… emotions have gained a lot of traction in recent years. We talk about them more than ever and have created plenty of buzzwords around them. But what do these terms actually mean?
Why are emotions important? And, perhaps most importantly, how do we deal with our emotions in a healthy way?
Understanding Our Emotions: Key Definitions
Before we dive deeper into how to deal with emotions, it can be helpful to understand some of the language commonly used when talking about emotional health.
Emotional Attunement
Emotional attunement is the ability to notice, understand, and respond to emotional experiences (both your own and those of others). Being emotionally attuned means becoming curious about what you’re feeling rather than immediately dismissing, avoiding, or judging it.
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence (EQ) refers to our ability to recognize, understand, and manage our emotions while also recognizing and responding to the emotions of others. Emotional intelligence can help us communicate more effectively, navigate relationships, and make thoughtful decisions.
Emotional Regulation
Emotional regulation is the ability to manage the intensity and expression of our emotions. It doesn’t mean suppressing emotions or forcing ourselves to “calm down.” Instead, emotional regulation allows us to experience an emotion without letting it completely take over our thoughts or behaviours.
Emotional Processing
Emotional processing involves allowing ourselves to acknowledge, understand, and make sense of an emotional experience. Rather than simply pushing an emotion away, we can explore what it might be communicating and decide how we want to respond.
When Emotions Feel Scary
If emotions feel scary to you, whether that means being afraid of understanding what’s happening within you, letting yourself feel sad or angry, or sharing your emotional state with others, you may have grown up in an environment where emotions were considered taboo.
“Emotions = weakness” is a message many millennials may have heard growing up.
You might have convinced yourself that the less you feel, the better. Maybe you’ve decided that you’re simply a more “logical” person. Or perhaps you believe emotions aren’t productive and only get in the way.
When we receive these messages repeatedly, we can become less naturally curious about our emotions and may even learn to avoid or suppress them.
Being emotionally attuned doesn’t make you weak or irrational. In fact, developing a healthier relationship with your emotions can help you show up differently, with greater regulation, self-awareness, and authenticity.
The Power of Emotions
First, I’d like to start by saying that emotions are incredibly complex.
They can feel overwhelming, heavy, and stressful. But they can also feel freeing, joyful, calming, and deeply meaningful.
Rather than viewing emotions as something we need to get rid of, I like to think of them as information.
Feeling angry? A boundary may have been crossed.
Feeling sad? You may be experiencing a loss or recognizing that something in your life needs to change.
Feeling anxious? Your mind or body may be telling you that you need to prepare for something that feels uncertain or threatening.
Of course, emotions aren't always a perfectly accurate representation of reality. An emotion is information, not necessarily a fact, and that distinction is important.
If you learn to work with your emotions rather than against them, they can provide valuable information and help guide you through life. This is an important part of living authentically.
The Catch: Don't Let Your Emotions Control You
There is an important balance here: We don't want to suppress our emotions, but we also don't want our emotions to control our behaviour.
There is a key step between experiencing an emotion and responding to it: processing.
You can acknowledge an emotion without immediately acting on it:
You can be angry without sending the text.
You can be anxious without avoiding the situation.
You can be hurt without immediately shutting someone out.
Emotional regulation gives us the space to experience what we're feeling while still choosing how we want to respond.
Emotional Processing in a Nutshell
So, what does healthy emotional processing actually look like?
While everyone's experience is different, there are a few steps that can help.
1. Notice and Name the Emotion
Start by recognizing that an emotion is present.
What are you feeling?
Can you put a name to it? Maybe it’s anger, sadness, anxiety, disappointment, shame, excitement or grief?
You can also rate the intensity of the emotion or do a quick body scan. Where do you feel it physically? Is there tension in your chest, tightness in your jaw, a knot in your stomach?
Simply noticing what is happening can be a powerful first step.
2. Regulate Before You React
If an emotion is extremely intense, you may not be in the best state to make a decision or have a difficult conversation.
This is where emotional regulation comes in.
Take a pause. Slow your breathing. Step away from the situation. Go for a walk. Ground yourself. Give your nervous system a chance to settle.
The goal isn't to make the emotion disappear. It's to bring the intensity down enough that you can explore what's happening with greater clarity.
You may be triggered. You may be interpreting something through the lens of a previous experience. You may also be responding more intensely than the current situation requires.
The emotion itself can be valid, while the reaction to that emotion may not be helpful.
3. Get Curious About What You're Feeling
Once you're more regulated, gently explore the emotion.
Ask yourself:
What might this emotion be telling me?
What happened that led me to feel this way?
Is there a need underneath this emotion?
Has a boundary been crossed?
Am I responding to what is happening right now, or is something from the past being activated?
Is there something I need to communicate, change, accept, or let go of?
Remember: having an emotion doesn't mean you have to act on it. Instead, you can listen to it.
4. Choose Your Response
Once you've gathered this information and returned to a more regulated state, you can decide how you want to move forward.
Maybe you need to have a conversation.
Maybe you need to set a boundary.
Maybe you need to ask for support.
Maybe you need to make a change.
Or maybe you simply need to allow yourself to feel what you're feeling without fixing anything right away.
This is where emotional intelligence becomes particularly valuable. Instead of being controlled by your emotions or suppressing them altogether, you can acknowledge them, learn from them, and consciously choose your response.
When You Need Help With Your Emotions
Sometimes emotions are simply too overwhelming, complex, or painful to navigate alone.
Therapy can provide a safe space to better understand your emotional experiences, develop emotional regulation skills, and build a healthier relationship with your feelings.
At Heal Well Therapy, we specialize in helping people develop a stronger relationship with their emotions, work through difficult emotional experiences, and feel more authentic in their lives.
You don't have to stop feeling deeply. You can learn how to understand what you're feeling, process it, regulate it, and decide what to do with it.
