How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style

Before we begin, if you’re wondering what an attachment style is and how it’s developed, check out my earlier blog. If you’re here to learn how to move towards secure attachment after recognizing you might be a bit on the anxious or avoidant side, you’ve come to the right place. 

First and foremost, I want to normalize the fact that your attachment style might not be 100% secure. In my professional opinion, no one is 100% securely attached. Why? Well, because we’re human beings and we are not static. Just like our mood and energy shift, so does our attachment style. However, there are a few things that contribute to a shift in your attachment style.

2 Things that Influence Your Attachment Style

1. Your Current Relationship

Yes, it’s true that your partner is impacting your current attachment style. For better or worse, that’s for you to decide. I tell my clients all the time that as much as it’s their own responsibility to manage any avoidant or anxious tendencies they carry, being with a partner that makes you feel safe and who is secure, themselves, increases your ability to mitigate anxious and/or avoidant tendencies. 

Let’s look at an example:

Isabelle is working on her avoidant attachment style. She knows that she needs to stop running away from confrontation and work on her fear of commitment. However, she’s with Alex, her partner of just a few months, who is anxiously attached. Alex constantly wants to make sure that Isabelle is okay because if she’s okay, then the relationship feels okay. Any time Isabelle pulls away, Alex wants to be closer because, for Alex, being emotionally close offers a sense of safety. However, for Isabelle, this feels like she’s being suffocated. Alex’s method of maintaining security in the relationship is actually creating bigger issues, making Isabelle uncomfortable and heightening the anxious-avoidant interaction.

• If Isabelle was with a secure partner, they would offer her the space she needs to process things before confrontation.

• This would make Isabelle feel safer confronting her secure partner when she’s ready, not when she’s being forced to do so.

• If Alex was with a secure partner, they’d also be more likely to manage their anxious tendencies and develop more of a secure attachment style

• If Alex was with someone who offered reassurance that they’re not going anywhere, creating a healthy, not threatening amount of distance, then Alex would feel safe enough to challenge their own anxiety

You might be picking up on something here: that security, or at least trying to develop it, comes from a feeling of safety. Avoidant and anxious patterns come from a place of 

• Survival

• Feeling threatened

• Self-preservation 

When these factors are eliminated and the opportunity for safety arises, then so does the foundation for developing security.

1. Self-Worth

The way you feel about yourself has a lot to do with how you show up in a relationship. This is especially true for anxious attachers. If you’re anxiously attached, then you are likely codependent, meaning that you place excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner. Their mood impacts your mood. Their feelings seem to matter more than your own. As long as they’re okay, you’re okay. 

If you’re inclined to dismiss your own needs, this indicates issues with self-worth. The ability to be responsible for your needs, feelings and well-being indicates high self-worth and emotional maturity. It’s a positive correlation: The better you feel about yourself, the more you consider these variables and trust in your ability to achieve them on your own.

For avoidant attachers, self-worth plays a different role. Avoidantly attached individuals tend to push others away to maintain a sense of independence and control, often because:

• They fear rejection;

• They feel unworthy of love; or

• They believe that vulnerability will lead to hurt

However, when an avoidant attacher strengthens their self-worth, they begin to see that needing others isn’t a weakness. They recognize that allowing themselves to be emotionally open doesn’t threaten their independence—it actually enhances their ability to form healthy, reciprocal connections. When you feel inherently valuable, you don’t need to rely on distance or self-sufficiency as a shield. You learn that it’s okay to trust and to let people in without fearing it will compromise who you are.

Conclusion

So, generally speaking, being mindful of who you choose as your partner (someone that helps you grow rather than enhances problems that are already there) and working on your self-worth would be good places to start when considering how to develop a more secure attachment style. If I were you, I might start with a journaling exercise to try to better understand myself. Here are a few journaling prompts to get you going:

• What seems to be your biggest struggle in relationships?

• What do you feel a relationship offers you, that you can’t give yourself?

• Why do you run from connection?

• Why do you prioritize relationships over yourself?

• Do you struggle with self-worth and how can you teach yourself you’re deserving of beautiful things in life, including love?

This process is a tricky one, but I’m here to help if you need it. Book a consultation call with me to learn more.